Better Miley than me

So obviously everyone has heard about Miley Cyrus’s performance at the VMAs (featuring inappropriate cultural appropriation and off-key singing). I’m not going to comment on her performance as that has been done ably elsewhere (I like this article from the AV Club). Instead I’d like to focus on what would happen if I had to perform at the VMAs.

First, massive avalanches of stress hormones would teem from every gland. All the erythrocytes would spontaneously flee in every direction, bursting out of my blood vessels like confetti. Most of my cells would lyse themselves to avoid the shame of showing the world that I can’t sing or dance. By the end of my performance, I would be a puddle of interstitial fluid and tissue fragments lying on the stage.

The techs would have to suck me off the stage with a Shop Vac, and then my remains would be packaged in sterile IV bags, kept on ice and occasionally brought out to cameo in Lady Gaga videos. After a few years I would be stolen and sold on eBay.

This might seem tragic, but every cloud has a silver lining: my remains would make the stage slippery,  causing Robin Thicke to trip and permanently strain the muscles that cause him to be a sexist pig.

 

My Friend Sunday

Paper Lions are an indie pop band from Prince Edward Island. I actually listened to them [HIPSTER ALERT] before it was cool. Pretty much the only band I can say that for. I was listening to them back in high school when they were called the Chucky Danger Band. The lead singer was my church youth group leader when I lived in PEI.

They’re finally starting to get noticed, with a song from their newly-released album topping the CBC Radio 3 Top 30. That song, My Friend, is also in the running for CBC Music’s Song of the Summer. So yeah… vote for them.